Dear Girls On Tinder

Hola Bitches!

Before we get started, let me introduce myself. I go by my pen name - Vagelina Jolly, a salacious wordplay with the name of one of the hottest women in the world, who also happens to be a staunch #Metoo advocate (Angelina Jolie, if you're too dumb to guess)! Considering that, my pen name can be described as an insensitive spoof, but c’mon ladies, let’s toss the feminism for a minute and enjoy the banter.

I AM a feminist, but there is something that bothers me even more than the 30% lower pay package (yes pay gap is real, at least where I work!).

Yes you heard that right! After all, I can be underpaid but never underlaid

My feminist concern applicable to the universal sisterhood can be compressed into the one burning question that has been perpetually hounding me, which is, “Why don’t WE ever talk about equal rights in bed?

When my Tinder matches ask me, "What are you looking for here?", my mind lapses into a sphere of indefinite probabilities..

Should I say I am here for friendship? What if he thinks I am a prude? What if he un-matches me?

Should I say I am looking for a relationship? What if he gets cold feet?

Should I say I am looking for something casual? What if he thinks I am a whore?

When Adam and Eve first set their eyes on each other, sparks flew, souls ignited and clothes (actually leaves) went down in no time.

Now, millions of years later as I type this in my laptop, fully clothed (ripped jeans count!) and living in my air-conditioned apartment, drinking a soy milk matcha latte while snacking on a vegan cupcake, I wonder What went so wrong?

26, F, Sapiosexual, Bibliophile, Looking to make new friends. Not into hookups”- This is just one odd sample of thousands of Tinder bios out there. “Looking to make new friends?” Really? This is Tinder, not Facebook for heaven’s sake!

We all get hungry, we eat… We all get thirsty, we drink…In the same way, when we all get horny, why can’t we just have sex?

It is one of the primal needs as per Maslow’s hierarchical pyramid, Goddamit!

We are living in the age of the Internet, thanks to which we are at liberty to date people by a simple swipe. But I also feel that this easy accessibility has come too soon before our minds could get accustomed to. Otherwise, why would a majority of the girls in this country add the nonsensical “Here to make friends. Not into hookups” catchphrase on their Tinder bios?

If you want it, just ask for it and if you don’t want it then well don’t be on a platform meant for hookups in your cocoon of sexless naivety.

Unless we open our minds to having a discerning conversation about our sexual needs, it is ludicrous to talk about feminism or even call our previous generation prudish, for that matter.

So next time, before you call yourself a feminist, ask yourself these questions:

Will I accept that I DO have sexual needs?

Will I accept that I DO masturbate?

Will I accept that I DO want to be more experimental when it comes to sex?

And finally…Will I accept that I DO fart? (Naah…Just kidding! Women don’t fart!)

We claim equality everywhere…from office boardrooms to washrooms….But when it comes to bed, the majority of us want our men to make the first move. Now, that is what I call hypocrisy! The truth is, over the years, we have been accustomed to this mental conditioning which makes us inadvertently believe that being wooed is the only normative. But don’t you think it’s high time we question this notion of 'normal'?

I suggest we take the reigns and begin the ride (Quite literally and figuratively too!)

Until next time…

Yours Truly, 

Vagelina Jolly

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WORDS : VAGELINA JOLLY

EDIT : NIKITA DIXIT