Kamasutra

A while ago, I hooked up with a Greek guy (Of course Veni, Vidi, Vici!). But before you drown in jealousy, let me also add the fact that he was ridiculously hot with sculpted abs and a killer smile. Greek statues do come to life, and a few fortunate ones (wink* wink*) get to do them.

Let us call him Zeus (To maintain anonymity and cultural appropriacy at the same time. Not to mention that I was hella “Thunderstruck” by his “Mt Olympus”).

One night, after a club-hopping scene at Hauz Khas, we were making out near one of the clubs when a shady, balding, sex-deprived policeman started walking towards us with a lathi in hand. I immediately pushed Zeus away and nudged him to get into an auto and we fled the scene. He seemed rather amused and lamented, “India is the land of Kamasutra, yet kissing is not allowed in public…”. I responded by saying, “But India is also the land of hypocritical breeders amounting to a whopping 1.3 billion, believed to have born out of photosynthesis”.

This conversation, however, led me to my Eureka moment. (What’s with the Greeks and Eureka all the time?) Anyway, I just then realized, that I have never read the Kamasutra. This is a disgrace to someone who prides herself as the “Connoisseur of Fornication”, I thought. I immediately ran a quick research and bought the version that seemed the most authentic. During my intense Odyssey to master the Kamasutra, I discovered that it is not all about positions and sex, in fact, only 20% of the text is attributed to the above mentioned. However, the book holistically attempts to teach us about all the aspects of a healthy living, sex being one of them.  

Since I can hear many of you yawning already, let me quickly delve into the sassiest part of it which is- Positions! Is it true that these positions actually exist? Is it humanly possible to physically achieve these positions? The questions are endless, even for me!

Most of these positions, I wouldn't lie are custom made for Russian gymnasts…rather, Russian gymnasts with at least one Olympic medal to be precise. But hold on, there is still hope for panner fed, cellulite sporting Indians like us, trust me.

In this week’s preaching, I attempt to review some never tried before positions carefully selected to not induce any kind of stroke or permanent deformity.

Note that the following stunts were performed by highly “experienced” professional(s). DO NOT try them at home without expert assistance or warm ups (intense foreplay!)

I have assessed the positions using the following parameters:

  1. Feasibility
  2. Comfort
  3. Rating on our custom orgasmometer scale 
Custom BeBadass Orgasmometer

Custom BeBadass Orgasmometer

This is my contribution to the welfare of the womankind, so let the social services begin!

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INDRANIKA

For this position, you need to lie on your back, lift your butt all the way up and cradle on one knee while resting the other on his/her shoulder. Your partner should kneel facing you.

Easy peasy if you have mastered the Sarvangasana (Yoga is for a reason, people) otherwise it is a bunch of muscle pulls and a whole lot of humiliation. In my case, the guy was 'big' so I felt really uncomfortable around my stomach area which made me nauseous and switch to good ol’ missionary for the rest of the session.

PROS

  • Pretty wild, if you are in the mood
  • Can maintain eye contact (Not because I am a feminist, I am personally not a pro-doggy person)
  • Godsend for the Medium to small peens

CONS

  • Too much work
  • Not for the well endowed

ORGASMOMETER

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PUSHCART

Beware: This position involves some gravity-defying stunts. It is great if you have done a stint as an acrobat, otherwise involves a perpetual fear that you may fall flat on your face.

Initially, I was quite skeptical about this position as I am not a big fan of any position that does not involve looking at your partner in the face (even if I am just hooking up) but this turned out to be quite the opposite. I absolutely loved it although it was pretty exhausting.

PROS

  • Hella wild and sexy
  • An interesting twist for doggy lovers

CONS

  • If you are prone to backaches, back out!!
  • Pretty exhausting if you hate doing planks at your gym

ORGASMOMETER

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THE SPIDER

This has got to be by far the easiest and the most fulfilling position that I have ever tried (and I've tried a bunch!). In this position, you and your partner have to sit facing each other with your legs crossing over each other.  It is easy, comfortable and very stimulating. I would suggest this position to all newbies looking out to venture beyond missionary.

PROS

  • Does not require any special skills
  • Easy on realistic bodies
  • Very stimulating, yet experimental

CONS

  • None, I guess

ORGASMOMETER

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With this, we come to the end of Vagelina’s awesomeness scheduled for this week. Hope I have taught you a few tricks to flaunt the next time you get in the sack to seal the deal.

You're welcome!

And don’t forget to comment and share (we welcome our haters too!)

Until next time,

VJ

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IMAGE CREDIT - PAOLA DELUCCA ; Bad Girls Bible ; KIMOJI