Why Do We Need To Fake It?
The Orgasm Gap. A concept, less known to the masses and more known to, well, patriarchy.
Let me begin by saying “The Tendency for men to orgasm more than women is cultural, not biological.”
While I can easily bombard this conversation with a variety of statistics based on research that claims cis women, on an average, take at least 20 minutes to reach orgasm while an average man takes 2-10 minutes to do the same, let’s rather have a real talk. In extension to this, it was also noted that women take around 4 minutes to reach orgasm by masturbation. So, what exactly is the problem? I spoke to a number of cis women to really understand where is it that men go wrong or what is it that their individual sexperience tells them about orgasm.One of them interestingly narrates, “I met a guy a while back at a house party. We hit it off and I was in a low phase in my life back then. I could really use someone to cuddle with, so I asked him to come home in case he doesn’t have any other plans. What I didn’t expect, was for us to hook up the same night. Although, I did consent to sex, what we did didn’t particularly feel like pleasure. However, for some reason, I felt obligated to fake an orgasm. Just so that I didn’t let him down.” A similar narrative followed when I spoke to 5 other women before I understood that blunt conversation or enthusiastic consent is still not normally acceptable in a social setting, especially during sex.
It’s also observed that only 30% of women actually reach orgasm by vaginal intercourse or intercourse in general without foreplay or clitoral stimulation. Did you just ask me how is this relevant to patriarchy? Well, to begin with, the conditioning that a woman is not only indifferent towards her pleasure, so much that she is alright with faking orgasms frequently is a problem. We’re all aware of the role that a female orgasm plays in toxic masculinity. For women, this pressure to be the source of a man’s masculinity is not only unnecessary, but it’s also annoying. No wonder we fake it to wiggle out of the situation and let the man feel like a hero. God forbid you tell a man that he couldn’t make you climax!
The fact that patriarchy doesn’t want women to burden her partner with the reality that she is not really enjoying it, is a relevant point of concern. (Check: Slut-shaming, unrealistic standards for sex) Of course, it condemns sexual expression. This is another way of telling women that their bodies do not belong to them. (Check: Alabama Abortion Law)
Unfortunately, in cases of non-enthusiastic consent, (translate: sexual assault) when a woman’s consent isn’t taken into count, the situation worsens. Be it in relationships, marriages or well, hookups that go downhill, it’s sad to know the number of times a woman ends up faking an orgasm just to get it over with.
The second common problem often observed is the constant pressure to make your sexual partner feel like a “man”. It’s almost as if orgasms are obligatory. The issue lies in the understanding or rather, conditioning that men are supposed to be sex experts or ideal lover while women are supposed to reinforce that notion.
With more safer spaces to converse about sex and understanding it better, women are gradually getting consciously aware of their needs. It’s high time we stop demanding the glamorized and of course, a fake version of women’s pleasure. Understand her damn body, her vulva. Her orgasms aren’t for you, it’s for her pleasure.
While the onus of this Orgasm Inequality is not to be borne by women, we can definitely try to open up about it consciously. Talking should ideally help your partner understand the issue. You can also try to slide in some instructions during sex in the form of dirty talk.
If none of this works, just move on sister! Your vulva deserves better.