Types Of Men On Dating Apps

Hola Bitches,

If you have followed my badassery so far (Your loss, if you haven’t), you would know that my first post was addressed to all the girls on Tinder. Now unlike men, “we” (encompassing all of womanhood) believe in equal representation and therefore it's only fair that I slander all sexes alike.

After playing Tinder-ella for a long time, I finally realised that majority of men on dating apps in India can be stereotyped in very specific categories. I have almost developed a filing system in my head now where I've dedicated different shades of fluorescent post its to each type (I know how nifty of me!).

Now being the big hearted bitch that I am, I decided to share these types in service of the sisterhood, so that the next time you swipe right and hit a match you have some help decoding this potential booty call.

The Creepadelic Uncle:


He is the Rupa underwear sporting neighborhood uncle with an ever-pregnant-never-delivered paunch who dives into the society swimming pool every Sunday flushing out water equal to his mass. His profile would mostly consist of just one selfie from a weird angle that would make his face look more bloated than it already is and absolutely no bio, because what can he write about himself? 55, M, Married with 2 kids and my gossipy wife does not sleep with me? Ummm…not very impressive.

The Emotional Tampon:


Uggghhh….I don’t even wanna talk about this sub-species. It includes guys who are sulking over their exes and looking for a shoulder to cry on. These guys are a pain in the ass and DO NOT ever make the mistake of hooking up with them. A long time ago, I hooked up with one such abomination who constantly asked me to look at his eyes during sex. Like what even? And then came the apocalypse…he murmured “I love you” and I remember wanting to throw up. I immediately booked a cab, did not even wait to put my shoes on, ran down the stairs barefoot and hopped on to the cab never to return. All these guys want is a loving, caring relationship that ends with a “happily ever after”. Nothing wrong with that but if that’s what you wanna do, then don’t pretend you are okay with hook ups, because for the love of God, you were never meant for it.

The Wannabeef:


Is the wannabe beefcake who is flexing his pumped up chest and arms in every other photo. He is Salman Khan’s undiscovered twin in the sense he never has heard of wearing a shirt. My advice - Please put on a shirt, for heaven’s sake! This mostly jobless gym addict also thinks he can get laid at the drop of a hat and creates a profile on Tinder with no bio. Because,

A) He is too dumb to write anything,

B) There is hardly anything to write about him,

C) Why waste time writing when you know you are too hot anyway (DUH!)

But guess what? He only ends up getting bitch slapped.

The Sapiosexual-Bibliophile:


This category may seem like “light at the end of the tunnel types” in the otherwise dark space of dating apps and is partially true. However, it has two sub-types.

Type A: The unattractive nerd who is smart enough to realize that he will never get the girls unless he does something significant. He is someone who has over-compensated his bad looks with knowledge and a cool startup. He is usually well travelled, well spoken and overall well rounded. Their lack of enthusiasm in life (& maybe low self confidence) will make sure they make it their life's mission to please you in bed, so if a non-alpha-slave-in-bed is your thing, go forth sister!

Type B: The super attractive hunk who is also smart and well read. Basically he is the James Franco of dating apps- a big catch and very difficult to chance upon. But if you do, ensure you stick around, cos he will be worth it. Do not try to act all snobby or high-headed because the dude knows he is a catch, so the loss is yours.

The Fuckboii:


This by far got to be the most annoying category of ‘em all. A fuckboii is a morally bankrupt Douchebag who tends to exaggerate his conquests. His lifestyle is obnoxious and would make you wanna cringe. He is a narcissistic prick who takes more selfies than his dates and incessantly posts about his awesome life on social media. Also, he takes immense pride in his schlong and never misses an opportunity to flaunt it. His gallery is mostly filled with selfies and Dick pics. Ironically, fuckboiis can be fun company if you limit the interaction to be strictly sexual. At least you can be assured that they won’t be clingy or get emotionally involved like the others.

So with this, I guess I am done with five. I can write more… in fact, infinitely about men on dating apps but oh well, I'm in a mood to spare the other kinds of men. So now I will let you badass ladies figure out the rest and create your own customised creeper list.

Till next time!