Hola Bitches!

A fun trivia: Ever heard of a candy called Magic Pop?

Sugary little colored crystals that pop and make you experience a mini Mardi Gras inside your mouth.

Nostalgic much? Well, I don't care if you are!

It's not my job to reminisce and immerse you in your childhood innocence.

"Absence makes the hearts grow fonder' it is said but I can't comment on that as the heart is not really my area of expertise.

Take it down a notch, and I can vouch that I will be your mentor, guide and best friend!

Ever been in a long distance relationship? If yes, then congratulations for having believed in that farce!

In a long distance relationship, the only “relationship” you have is a dysfunctional relationship with your phone, either physically abusing it when there's a boyfriend induced meltdown or trying to use the camera in incriminating angles to you-know-what.

Before you eyeroll, I lingered in such a relationship (read : pretence) for four abominably long years! Having said that, I possess full and complete discretion to slander the same.

First of all, there is absolutely no sex and that was genuinely my only concern (perhaps my only one?!).

Hell hath no horny like a woman abstained.

Every night, we would go on a call and sex talk. We would discuss every minuscule detail and devour them by replaying countless number of times in our heads while soaking ourselves in faux pleasure.

Finally, after staying celibate for almost a year, we planned a vacation!

As soon as we met he said "I have a surprise for you!"

Now that he let the surprise slip, I felt obliged to surprise him as well. After surfing Cosmo for all kinds of sexual misadvises, I finally headed to the supermarket to buy Magic Pop.

When I got down from the cab, my uncontrollable excitement was palpable, as if there was a Guns n Roses concert in my chest. I held my hands so hard to my chest as I feared I would die. "Oh please God don’t kill me, let me have sex first…", I prayed.

“Hey Babe”, he greeted me at the door butt naked.

My jaw almost fell to the floor and before I could pick it up, he picked me up and we began an intense display of 'affection' which was only heightened by a spank on my ass which surged all my unspent hormones.

I bit my lower lip and pushed him to the bed, and took out a grey silk scarf from the back pocket of my denims and began to blindfold him. This got him completely off guard and he jolted. I calmly pushed him back, lingered my tongue over his ears and whispered sensuously “I have a surprise too!”

”Can't wait, babe” his lips curled into into a partial grin which made his dimples even more prominent.

I murmured, “You are ridiculously hot” and took out the packet of Magic pop from my denims. Then I playfully fidgeted my fingers over him and progressed to go down on him. I heard him moan with increasing pleasure and then, I withdrew. He sighed wanting for more. I picked up the packet and hastily tore it with my teeth and popped the candy into my mouth. "Here comes your surprise," I said and you can guess what happened next, can't you?

The candy started popping once it came in contact and I waited for a pop rock hummer*

(*-According to the Urban dictionary, using the popular pop rock candy, an individual places it in their mouth and proceeds to conduct oral sex on another individual, whether it be on the penis, vagina, anus, or nipples. While the pop rocks explode in the giver's mouth due to the reaction with the saliva, this explosive sensation is transferred on to the "sensitivities" of the receiver, a "hummmmm" type feeling is received.)

How innovative, Innit?

But what I could hear was anything but a “hummmmm” from being 'hummered'

All I could hear was a sudden cry of wail. Not a wail of pleasure but of intense pain. His knees jolted and I thankfully ducked! He started squealing and yelling trying frantically to get the blindfold off.

I was terrified and tried to remove the blindfold but unfortunately couldn’t.

That is when I realised the harsh reality of life. You can never make a perfect blindfold like Christian Grey!

First of all neither is there so much patience nor Beyonce singing in the background. Fuck you EL James!!

He couldn’t wait anymore and sprinted hysterically towards the washroom.

Obviously he did not have the best idea of what lay ahead and so banged himself on the door and fell face front. I ran towards the kitchen and thankfully found a pair of scissors and cut the blindfolds off.

Half an hour later we put an ice pack around his 'manhood' which by that time had become a swollen sloppy 'boyhood'.

When he calmed down, he turned around and yelled “You fucking Witch! What in the hell was that?”

In spite of all the drama did feel a little satisfied that night!

Yeah go ahead and brand me a sadist but in Ali Wong's words, “It felt so good to see him be so vulnerable…that his dick was in my control and I could do whatever I want to with that little motherfucker”

That is when it dawned upon me that people who equate sex with power are not wrong!

If Sex is Power then I am fucking Powerful!

Until next time,

VJ