What is the “nice guy syndrome”?
Many of us have come across phrases like “nice guys finish last” or “women just don’t want a nice guy; they are into bad boys”. But who is this nice guy? Well, a nice guy is a man who finds solitude uncomfortable, who believes that being the person who everyone wants him to be is the only way to be accepted or loved. Someone who is suffering from the “nice guy syndrome” will intentionally hide all traits that are likely to trigger negative responses. The nice guy thinks that you owe him a relationship because he is nice, so much so that he feels entitled to it. However, when the person they like fails to reciprocate the feelings, they get offended and victimise themselves saying things like, “there’s no point being nice to girls, it only gets you friend zoned”. But the matter of the fact is that the nice guy is not really as nice as he wants to be seen. Many people suffering from the “nice guy syndrome” are dishonest, secretive, controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive, narcissistic and self-centered.
Where does the “nice guy syndrome” start?
Similar to many personality disorders, the “nice guy syndrome” also starts right in a man’s childhood, wherein he does not share a good relationship with his father, or his father is emotionally or physically absent. They lack relevant male figures in their formative years and may feel unloved and unseen in relationships with their parents. They constantly felt the need to do things that will get them validation as a child, and therefore, they now see being nice as a transaction. If they are offering their niceness to you, you must reciprocate it, or they self victimise and you become the bad guy.
The characteristics of a ‘nice guy’
- The nice guys think his relationship with a woman is only successful if it is romantic or sexual. This is also why he thinks that friendship is a failure and makes a big deal about being in the “friendzone”.
- The nice guys consider their lives successful only when they are in a relationship with someone. Until and unless their niceness is not reciprocated romantically or sexually, they think it’s taken an advantage of.
- The worst thing is the “nice guys” expect sexual “payment” for their kindness and niceness.
- The nice guys expect women to be moral guardians, who must have sex with men in order to reward them for doing the right thing and being nice.
Where have we seen these “nice guys” before?
- Michael Scott (The Office) - Michael consistently saw himself as someone who deserved the kindness that he didn't always give off himself, especially to women. He believed he deserved to be treated a certain way by the virtue of being nice.
- Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother) - Ted’s entire journey on How I Met Your Mother was him wallowing about the fact that he deserves to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him, Robin.
- Ross Geller (F.R.I.E.N.D.S.) - Ross used the idea of him being a nice guy to excuse his obsessive jealousy and inability to root for his girlfriend prospering in a way that didn't include him. He treated her even better when things got worse, so she would see what a nice guy he was and forgive him for being jealous.
We have established that the nice guys are anything but nice in reality, and to overcome the syndrome and lead a healthier life, the first and the most effective solution is therapy. Therapy will not only help them understand that the way they act is not morally right, but it also helps them form better interpersonal relationships with women without feeling the need to define it romantically. Many rom-coms show us that the right guy is the guy who has been there all along, but that does not have to be your reality. Your reward for a man being nice is reciprocating niceness, not using your body for the transaction. We think it’s high time for the nice guys to actually be nice!
References
https://geekfeminism.fandom.com/wiki/Nice_Guy_syndrome
https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
https://www.tvfanatic.com/slideshows/17-tv-characters-wed-want-as-bridesmaids/
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