Michael Bassey wrote, “We do not learn for the benefit of anyone, we learn to unlearn ignorance”. As we grow up, our ideas, thoughts, and imaginations are socially and culturally constructed. While they remain significant, they are shaped by our limited interactions with the people and traditions around us. BeBadass’ Learning to Unlearn is a series of book recommendations that have helped people from across generations in unlearning some of their internalized biases and destigmatize issues pertaining to gender, class, religion, and caste.

Love is empowering and an act of resistance. However, for most of us, especially young girls learning about feminism- love could mean different things. For some of us, it means to make a compromise, for others it symbolizes shackles, a loss of freedom, dependency. Too often, relationships don’t manifest in ways we understand. Despite our growing indifference to the idea of love, our understanding of it creates a foundation of all our relationships- with our significant others, daughters, parents and even our government. As the country faces a crackdown on love with the state directly intervening in personal relationships, we must unlearn the ways we understand, receive and give love.

Here are 6 books written by feminists and sociologists who have tried to unpack the meaning of love in the face of resistance and trauma.

1.     ALL ABOUT LOVE: NEW VISIONS (2002)- BELL HOOKS

Bell Hook is an educator and sociologist who has, over the years tried to redefine how women define and think of love. All About Love is a revolutionary book that tries to use the interconnectedness of the private and public lives of women to engage with the question of love. She uses her personal anecdotes and psychological ideas to develop her arguments. Through her book, she sheds a light on how patriarchy has pushed everyone to believe that love is associated with pain. Hooks engages with pertinent questions of violence, trauma and love as a medium of radical change.

2. COMMUNION: FEMALE SEARCH FOR LOVE (2002)- BELL HOOKS

Another book by Bell Hooks! This book motivates women to take ownership of love in their lives. Hook tries to trace how the feminist movement changed the way we look at womanhood and define love in our lives. She encourages women to claim the search for love as a heroic journey to freedom. The book sheds light on the internalized misogyny that pushes women to act against each other. She emphasized the importance of women solidarity and sisterhood in dismantling the patriarchy.

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3.     THE ART OF LOVING (1956)- ERICH FROMM

Eric Fromm is a psychologist and sociologist who developed the concept that freedom was a fundamental part of human nature. Fromm strives to theorize that love is a skill that needs to be learned- it requires knowledge and effort. He tries to drift away from the problem of being loved to that of loving. He states that love must be recognized as an informed practice and criticizes the idea of falling in love.  In his book, he tries to unmask misconstrued misconceptions that don’t allow us to master this important skill.

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4.    LOVE AND RESISTANCE: OUT OF THE CLOSET INTO THE STONEWALL ERA (2019)- JASON BAUMANN

No resistance is complete without the stern foundation of love. It is love that guides and sustains movements. This book tries to depict this beautiful interconnectedness with the help of diverse collections of photographs from various LGBT protests. Through the images, the photographers try and depict the role of women and various activist groups in creating and sustaining the movement.  

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5.     HOW TO LOVE (2014)- THICH NHAT HANH

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Zen master and educator. His book shows that when we feel closer to our loved ones, we are also more connected to the world as a whole. How to love includes meditations that readers can do alone or with their partner to increase their capacity to love. He enlists the many different kinds of love and their complexities. His idea of love is not alienated from one’s spiritual growth and through this book, he attempts to include love in one’s spiritual quest.

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6.     HUNGER(2017)- ROXANE GAY

Roxane Gay’s hard-hitting memoir is a story of resilience and overcoming trauma. She writes about her experience with sexual assault, her private and public identities. The book emphasizes the importance of self-love and identity. Gay tries to catalogue her daily stresses as a fat woman and criticizes the weight-loss industrial complex. She writes her story with care and uses devastating poetry to reveal herself.

To love and to be loved is an art. It is our responsibility to master it and unlearn what we are taught by our wounded experiences. In the current atmosphere of resistance and dissent, women must demand their rights and agency and in doing so, reclaim love again. As Bell Hook comments, “There can be no love without justice”.

May we love better and learn to ask for the love we deserve.